It’s day 32, and I left the States on August 22. Today was September 22. I can’t believe how much has happened in the past month and how quickly it all came and went.
The past week was an interesting and eventful one. The Japanese class is still really rough, but all there is to do at this point is to keep doing my best and hope that it’s good enough. Thursday was the first exams day of the semester, and I failed one of them. I’ll probably find out how I did on the other one tomorrow. Not to mention I became sick with anxiety on that day and threw up in between exams. This is probably me at my weakest. It sounds very bratty, I guess, but I’ve never really felt disadvantaged before. Things generally come easily, but this is definitely the biggest challenge of my life. I’m trying my hardest to keep it together, but I don’t know if I’ve ever felt nervous like this before. I’ve been confiding in friends but at the same time I’m very worried about becoming a burden to anyone or having nothing to offer as a friend, having nothing to give for all that I’ve taken. I’ve been very dependent on people for help in class, and that’s never been something that I’ve done so heavily in the past.
The truth is, I’m terrified of this looming presence in my head telling me that I’m not wanted. It was born from the aforementioned fear but it seems like it has swelled into a full time dictator of my thoughts and actions, regardless of circumstances or contexts. I’m constantly tricked into the belief that my every decision is at the full mercy of others’ scrutiny. In other words I’m insecure as fuck and it sucks because it’s nobody’s fault but mine. And I’m upset that my insecurities might end up pushing people away from me. Which is the last thing that I want.
I just need to work through this slowly.
It’s not all bad though. It probably sounds worse than it is because on the surface, I’m doing lots of fun things with great people and I’m enjoying a fairly routine and interesting weekly schedule. And despite my test results, I feel like I am learning a lot of new things. The weekend was really fun. We had something of a dorm party with games and music. On Saturday I was kind of sluggish but managed to get out of the house and reunite with my true love Nachos for dinner. Today, I went to the zoo with a group and we had a really fun time. We visited the “Sky Tower” and could see the entire city from the upper floors. Including Nanzan. I quite enjoyed their great selection of turtles. Turtles are quickly becoming one of my favorite creatures. Turtle.
I guess, as I move forward into the second quarter of my journey, my main goal is to try to find the confidence that I used to have again. It’s been slowly waning since May, in fact, and I’d love to be able to say that I’m comfortable in my own skin again. Because right now, I’m having way too much fun to be feeling so scared and helpless. I know that I’m not being myself at all, and I don’t want to be remembered as this insecure and paranoid shell of who I really am. There are three months to go and I’m going to turn things around.