Everything is spiraling out of control. I wish I had blogged more before everything went to shit because I could have documented all the fun I had been having before my perspective was flipped upside down.
The parties and clubs and late nights and friends, it’s all been so amazing. Last weekend was the best weekend of the semester. Ironic that the worst week I’ve had in years directly followed.
Everybody is out of sorts since we lost Picasso. It still feels like some kind of fucked up practical joke or bad dream. Like after this weekend everything will go back to normal. But it won’t. Everyone is coping differently. Some of us are hiding away, some of us are putting on a smile and trying to ignore it, some of us are trying to take the brunt of the pain for those of us who are clinging to others for comfort. But everybody’s hurting and that’s the reality of it. Time will heal, but the funny thing about time is that it moves too slow when you want it to speed up and flies by when you want it to come to a crawl.
Everything has just been spinning around me in a haze. I feel like I’m on autopilot, I’m doing things that I realize are completely uncharacteristic of me but I’m not in control of myself. I’m completely disinterested in nearly everything, aside from making sure that the people who are going through the same things as me are getting by.
I was talking to some friends a few weeks ago, about autumn. I said that I enjoy autumn weather but I have a general disgust toward the season because terrible things always manage to happen during the fall. As chance would have it, I lost a dear friend almost exactly four years after I lost Laura. How the fuck does it manage to work out like that? Talk about a bad taste; October is permanently the shittiest month. I don’t think I’ll ever truly enjoy Halloween anymore.
But it’s not even about me, really. Why would somebody take their own life? It’s the shittiest thing you can do to anybody. Hundreds of people are suffering an unneeded pain because of this rash decision he made. He chose not to reach out when he had all the support in the world. Now everybody feels like they missed something somewhere.
Two things. They’re both corny but I’m going to go with it. On Pokemon Y, I named my Golurk Picasso after him, because he is fucking strong and never dies. I thought that was a suitable way to remember him as silly as it may sound. Second, I want to give my Felix Golden Hammer to his family, because it’s the closest thing that I have to a memento from him. He gave me the paintbrush to paint it gold. Maybe it can fix somebody’s pain, even just a little. I like to think that it does.
I’m going to Nara with Logan tomorrow for Fall Break. Hoping for good weather so I can spend some time reflecting in nature. I want to have a lot of fun during the next five days and flush all of this out of my system, so I’m going to be positive about it despite the fact that it will never be the same.