I want a new life, one without a cause

Everything is spiraling out of control. I wish I had blogged more before everything went to shit because I could have documented all the fun I had been having before my perspective was flipped upside down.

The parties and clubs and late nights and friends, it’s all been so amazing. Last weekend was the best weekend of the semester. Ironic that the worst week I’ve had in years directly followed.

Everybody is out of sorts since we lost Picasso. It still feels like some kind of fucked up practical joke or bad dream. Like after this weekend everything will go back to normal. But it won’t. Everyone is coping differently. Some of us are hiding away, some of us are putting on a smile and trying to ignore it, some of us are trying to take the brunt of the pain for those of us who are clinging to others for comfort. But everybody’s hurting and that’s the reality of it. Time will heal, but the funny thing about time is that it moves too slow when you want it to speed up and flies by when you want it to come to a crawl.

Everything has just been spinning around me in a haze. I feel like I’m on autopilot, I’m doing things that I realize are completely uncharacteristic of me but I’m not in control of myself. I’m completely disinterested in nearly everything, aside from making sure that the people who are going through the same things as me are getting by.

I was talking to some friends a few weeks ago, about autumn. I said that I enjoy autumn weather but I have a general disgust toward the season because terrible things always manage to happen during the fall. As chance would have it, I lost a dear friend almost exactly four years after I lost Laura. How the fuck does it manage to work out like that? Talk about a bad taste; October is permanently the shittiest month. I don’t think I’ll ever truly enjoy Halloween anymore.

But it’s not even about me, really. Why would somebody take their own life? It’s the shittiest thing you can do to anybody. Hundreds of people are suffering an unneeded pain because of this rash decision he made. He chose not to reach out when he had all the support in the world. Now everybody feels like they missed something somewhere.

Two things. They’re both corny but I’m going to go with it. On Pokemon Y, I named my Golurk Picasso after him, because he is  fucking strong and never dies. I thought that was a suitable way to remember him as silly as it may sound. Second, I want to give my Felix Golden Hammer to his family, because it’s the closest thing that I have to a memento from him. He gave me the paintbrush to paint it gold. Maybe it can fix somebody’s pain, even just a little. I like to think that it does.


I’m going to Nara with Logan tomorrow for Fall Break. Hoping for good weather so I can spend some time reflecting in nature. I want to have a lot of fun during the next five days and flush all of this out of my system, so I’m going to be positive about it despite the fact that it will never be the same.


About playbradlyplay

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One Response to I want a new life, one without a cause

  1. Penney Barrett says:

    I see your sorrow, anger and confusion. All very normal and also so distressing. A person is going through a lot of pain to take their life. It’s not something anyone will ever understand. He was suffering greatly, not able to think clearly on how his actions would affect everyone. You simply can not understand. That’s it. But it is so very sad, so very, very sad. No one should blame themselves. It was not his intention to hurt people. He just needed to stop the pain. Who can ever understand what a person is going through, what is in their innermost thoughts and his culture is very different than ours so it’s even more of a mystery. Love him, be glad you got to be friends and in time it will be happy memories. Death is final. No going back. It is the hardest thing in life to get over, some will not. This is life, the good with the bad. We have to be strong to survive. Surround yourself with love and good friends, enjoy your time away on break. Make the most of every moment. This is your time to live life to the fullest! Every day is a new day, so get out there Bradly, and live them!! I love you with all my heart, forever!

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