I’ve seen paradise.

I’m home and I’m not happy.

Everyone is going to blame themselves for it. Or feel inferior or wonder why I’m not happy it used to be so easy.

But a chapter just closed that I can never revisit. That’s what I’m upset about. I found a family there that I loved and a group of people who I wanted to be permanent in my life. We did everything together. Went to class, cooked dinners, watched movies every night and partied on the weekend. It was paradise. It was more than I ever could have asked for. I felt this childlike magic sense of happiness and freedom, a feeling of which I’d nearly forgotten. And in an instant I crossed through a security check and they were gone. It was over.

Now I’m back in a town where I have like 3 friends who are busy with their daily routine and I don’t anything to do and I have to just pick up where I left off. And back at NKK there’s a Christmas Party happening right now that I’d give anything to be at.

I’m supposed to have things to look forward to. There are great and wonderful things happening in the next couple of weeks. I’m moving back to Columbia, seeing all my friends there and getting an apartment with my fiancee. I’m just not mentally prepared for them because getting through this slump means accepting the fact that things will never be the same. And since I’m stubborn I just don’t want to do that. Who’s to say I’ll see them again? Even if I do see them again, it’ll be under different circumstances and a long time from now. I don’t want to grow apart from them. I have to keep them in my life because they gave me some amazing memories. How can I be excited about getting busy and starting school and my life again when I’m inadvertently forcing them out of it?

I’m so scared and I can’t sleep and I can’t stop crying. I love and miss Japan.


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One Response to I’ve seen paradise.

  1. Penney Barrett says:

    Bradly, that’s why they say, all good things must come to and end, there’s no going back. Sometimes we try, but it’s just not the same. Even if you were still there, enjoying the Christmas party and future gatherings, eventually everyone will move forward. The school year will end and everyone will go on to their next destination, as you will too. And they will have the same feelings you are having now. But you have enriched your life, met amazing friends, have done things and went places most of us will never accomplish. You are blessed. It is hard, I know, I understand, but we all love you and only want what makes you happy. This is a transition time so don’t be to hard on yourself. Do your best to keep in touch and smile and laugh at the things they do. So sorry you aren’t happy but I don’t blame you or myself. Take some time to figure things out. I have faith in you to make the right decisions for your future. Opportunities will open up. You have grown so much, don’t stop now. I will do my best to help in any way I can. I will always love you and letting you go, to be a man, instead of my little boy, was the hardest thing I’ve had to do.


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