I’m home and I’m not happy.
Everyone is going to blame themselves for it. Or feel inferior or wonder why I’m not happy it used to be so easy.
But a chapter just closed that I can never revisit. That’s what I’m upset about. I found a family there that I loved and a group of people who I wanted to be permanent in my life. We did everything together. Went to class, cooked dinners, watched movies every night and partied on the weekend. It was paradise. It was more than I ever could have asked for. I felt this childlike magic sense of happiness and freedom, a feeling of which I’d nearly forgotten. And in an instant I crossed through a security check and they were gone. It was over.
Now I’m back in a town where I have like 3 friends who are busy with their daily routine and I don’t anything to do and I have to just pick up where I left off. And back at NKK there’s a Christmas Party happening right now that I’d give anything to be at.
I’m supposed to have things to look forward to. There are great and wonderful things happening in the next couple of weeks. I’m moving back to Columbia, seeing all my friends there and getting an apartment with my fiancee. I’m just not mentally prepared for them because getting through this slump means accepting the fact that things will never be the same. And since I’m stubborn I just don’t want to do that. Who’s to say I’ll see them again? Even if I do see them again, it’ll be under different circumstances and a long time from now. I don’t want to grow apart from them. I have to keep them in my life because they gave me some amazing memories. How can I be excited about getting busy and starting school and my life again when I’m inadvertently forcing them out of it?
I’m so scared and I can’t sleep and I can’t stop crying. I love and miss Japan.